Political Satire: Trump Executive Order for Nordstrom to do what?

Donald Trump was working late in the Oval Office on a secret Executive Order that had him fired up and obviously something he was indignant about. All the doors were locked and he wouldn't even acknowledge the Secret Service agent checking on him. Go away, he boomed, and returned to work on the order. It was 2 AM and he had just tweeted that Bernie Sanders just announced that he had switched his allegiance to the Republican Party backing its new CEO. He liked that title rather than party head. He had labeled his tweet Alternative News just in case.

By 3 Am he had finished his work and decided to turn in. On his way to the master bedroom, he passed Melania coming out of the Lincoln bedroom on her way to the kitchen for some warm milk. Donald John continued on, stopping momentarily at his secretary's office to drop off his rough draft of the Executive Order. The next morning, he finally showed up close to noon. His secretary came into the Oval Office and placed the EO on his desk and, turning, returned to her office shaking her head. "Now, that'll teach those losers," he said.

That morning's Washington Post (yes, already leaked) had a spread on the front page:

"Donald Trump issues Executive Order to Nordstrom's Dept. Store to reinstate his daughter, Ivanka Trump's line of clothes. Failure to comply immediately will result in a 20% Trump tax on everything else sold in the store. Nordstrom did not reply for a request for comments."

Political Satire: Kellyanne Conway spoofs Donald Trump

Kellyanne Conway with...admirer

It is a known fact that Donald Trump doesn't listen to things until he sees them on the media. And it is also known from a recent PunditFact study that the Fox Network news is true only 17% of the time and is false or mostly false 59% of the time. That is the conservative news network and probably the one Donald John watches most. This seems logical since most of his utterances are not accurate, some not even close. Kellyanne Conway knew this so she decided to see just how far the Oval Office potentate would go. She leaked a news story that Steve Bannon was the White House leak.

The next morning the story broke on Fox, without a confirmation, of course. The White House mouth waited quietly in her office for her leader to call to tell her he would raise hell with Bannon. Nothing. Lunch passed and still no word from the great room. Conway was in a terrible fluster, asking her assistant every few minutes if she had a call. Then she was told there was one from the administration white nationalist. She answered.

"Thanks for the leak," said Stevo, "know it was you, had your imprint all over it. The Don was elated. Some of the leaks raised his popularity rating 10 points. He has put me in charge of the entire White House staff...including you."

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Political Satire: Donald Trump fights wall of kangaroos

You know, you would think that even a mentally challenged President would know which side his toast is burned on. There are world leaders who have always hated the United States and make sure we know this by their actions, Australia isn't one of the latter, but may soon become one after Donald John kicked their Prime Minister in the balls several times by phone. Donald Trump doesn't want 1,250 refugees from their detention centers, agreed on by former President Obama. If Obama made this agreement, there must have been a good humanitarian reason.

Later that day Australia's PM Malcolm Turnbull, called Mexico's President Enrique Peña Nieto, who had also fought with the new monarch over a wall between the U.S. and Mexico. They agreed that Turnbull would supply Peña Nieto with several hundred kangaroos, enough that there would be one about every one-hundred feet. They would fight off all Mexican workers going into the U.S., cutting off America's labor force in the fields, restaurants, gardening, housecleaning and more. Turnbull welcomed these workers to Australia's thriving economy.

It was only two months later. All fast food businesses had shut down in the U.S. There were no landscape centers. The fields were overgrown with unpicked crops. Trash was piling up everywhere. The U.S. economy was spiraling down. From the White House Donald John sat back in his Oval Office chair and tweeted, 'Tie me kangaroo down sport, tie me kangaroo down.' Mike Pence clapped dutifully.

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Political Satire: Infirm President-Loose cannon adviser contemplate war

The two of them were sitting in the White House Situation Room located in the basement of the West Wing. President Donald Trump and national security adviser ­Michael Flynn, sitting across the table from each other, just staring.

Donald John: What the hell are we doing here, Mike?

Flynn: Your greatness, I've heard so much about this place, I just had to see it.

Donald John: Jesus Christ, you pulled me out of my Oval Office just for that. I was busy talking to the White House designer about a new gold inlaid rug to replace that thing with a design on it.

Flynn: But that's your official seal of President of the United States.

Donald John: Mike, don't need that. I know I'm the most powerful person in the world now. What the hell's wrong with you, everyone knows that.

Flynn: Okay, then why don't we talk about starting a war while we're here. You already put sanctions on Iran for doing those nuclear tests. Let me take a few good men, sneak into the country, and bomb a Tehran night club. Then I can go right over to the Tehran News, take credit for it in the name of the United State and, bingo, we've got a war.

Donald John: Sounds good to me but, Mike, how do you plan to get out of Iran then?

Flynn: Your illustriousness, you will then wage the global war I have always dreamed of and rescue me.

Donald John: You know...it just might work.

Political Satire: Kellyanne Conway-Definitely from another planet

Kellyanne Conway and...?

The Oval Office mouth is at it again, spouting off more disinformation that has become a staple of the Donald Trump administration. Kellyanne Conway, one of Donald John's top advisers claimed that there had been a terrorist attack in Kentucky which she described as the Bowling Green massacre. Here's the way I see it coming down.
Kellyanne: Your highness, you sorely need a good reason for the immigration ban you have issued in your executive order. The peasants, especially those poor pathetic souls who voted for you, need a thorough explanation for their double-digit IQs,

Donald John: Okay, Kel, what kind of absurdity can you come up with?

Kellyanne: Since Mitch McConnell was such a jerk in supporting you, let's say something happened in Kentucky to make him look bad.

Donald John: Right on, Kel, we'll put the old fart in his place and dig up some terrorists no one thought was there. If anyone can come up with alternative facts it's you. Go, go!

Next Day

Kellyanne: Oh hallowed one, I have an idea. Rand Paul said something about Iraqi refugees in Bowling Green who were bad boys, I'll just fabricate that into a terrorist massacre and announce it on the Chris Matthews Show.

Donald John: Perfect, Kel. Now run with it.

Well after midnight the same day in the Oval Office

Donald John: Well, Kel, you did it again. That, what the hell do you call it, Alternative News, works every time.

Kellyanne: Yes it does, your eminence, but when are you going to complete that luxury hotel deal with Vlad so I can quit worrying about these cover ups?

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Political Satire: Mitch McConnell loves Obamcare

Elaine Chou had just been approved as Donald Trump's Transportation Secretary and her husband, Mitch McConnell was elated; along with a GOP Congress and a new figurehead in the White House he was sure he could control. Yes, Donald John was elected to the office but McConnell knew he was the real savior of the Republican Party now. He had never had this kind of power, and was just glad that he had found his source of long term stamina in the last few years to keep him going. It was the only way he had had the drive to fight against Barack Obama's second term. Damn those blacks.

McConnell grabbed his bottle of Mexican vitamins and took two; the dosage was six a day. God forbid anything happen to the doctor in Mexico City who supplied him. Heading back to the Senate chamber, his cell phone rang and it was doctor Gonzales who was excited, exclaiming that he wouldn't be able to supply the Senator any longer with his precious supplement.

"What do you mean? I pay you a fortune for the capsules. Do you need more money? I can always call the Koch brothers for a loan."

"No, no, something called Obamacare. Federales just raided my shop and took everything. I am ruined and all because of you."

"What did I do," he was desperate now.

"The Mexican President is a good friend of Barack Obama and when he found out what I was doing, he had me raided."

McConnell knew he would waste away and be unable to fulfill his duties of Majority Leader without his beloved Mexican vitamins. Even his wife didn't know. "Just sit tight. I'll take of this."

As he strode onto the Senate floor, he approached the podium and called for order. "Ladies and gentlemen of the Senate." Only a handful were there, all Democrats. "After a long discussion with my staff, I have decided that this body will vote to continue Obamacare, and I would heartily recommend to Speaker Ryan that the House do the same." Obamacare was kept by both houses.

That night he heard the sound of a text on his phone and when he checked, former President Obama said, "Now we're even. Any more of your crap and I'll tell Elaine."

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Political Satire: Trump and Putin start World War III on Twitter

It was 2 AM at the White house but the new U.S. sovereign was still awake with smart phone in hand tuned to Twitter. Melania had finally decided to move to the Lincoln bedroom to get some sleep. But Donald Trump had decided to challenge Vladimir Putin to a game of 'World Leader Psychopaths,' where you challenge each other to see who can be the biggest nutcase leading a country. The two had been playing this for years and Putin agreed that if Donald John ever won a game (he hadn't)) he could build as many luxury hotels in Moscow as he wanted. 

It was 10 AM in Russia's capital city and Vlad was busy in his office admiring the Putin coffee mug he was drinking from as his smartphone rang on Twitter. "Hello Big D," it was obvious who it was. "How's it hangin'?" He often wondered how Donald John had time to stay on Twitter all night when he had such a gorgeous wife.

"Okay, Vlad, it's time for our regular game of World Leader Psychopaths and tonight I'm going to beat your ass."

"First of all, it's not night here, and second, I'm tired of playing games with you."

"What the hell do you mean? This is a tradition and we have to play. Nobody else here will play games with me."

"I'm bored with the game and since you've lost every time so far, it's pretty obvious you are the world's leading psychopathic leader."

"What the hell, you're calling me a psychopath?"

"Why not, that's what all of your countrymen call you."

And then the Twitter line went silent and stayed that way for several minutes. All of a sudden Vlad cried out, "Holy shit," and went racing down the hall of the Kremlin with the phone in his hand, still on Twitter. As he entered the special security room and headed for the launch console, he heard an alert from Twitter.

"Too late, Vlad, I already hit the button."