Political Satire: Kellyanne Conway-Definitely from another planet

Kellyanne Conway and...?

The Oval Office mouth is at it again, spouting off more disinformation that has become a staple of the Donald Trump administration. Kellyanne Conway, one of Donald John's top advisers claimed that there had been a terrorist attack in Kentucky which she described as the Bowling Green massacre. Here's the way I see it coming down.
Kellyanne: Your highness, you sorely need a good reason for the immigration ban you have issued in your executive order. The peasants, especially those poor pathetic souls who voted for you, need a thorough explanation for their double-digit IQs,

Donald John: Okay, Kel, what kind of absurdity can you come up with?

Kellyanne: Since Mitch McConnell was such a jerk in supporting you, let's say something happened in Kentucky to make him look bad.

Donald John: Right on, Kel, we'll put the old fart in his place and dig up some terrorists no one thought was there. If anyone can come up with alternative facts it's you. Go, go!

Next Day

Kellyanne: Oh hallowed one, I have an idea. Rand Paul said something about Iraqi refugees in Bowling Green who were bad boys, I'll just fabricate that into a terrorist massacre and announce it on the Chris Matthews Show.

Donald John: Perfect, Kel. Now run with it.

Well after midnight the same day in the Oval Office

Donald John: Well, Kel, you did it again. That, what the hell do you call it, Alternative News, works every time.

Kellyanne: Yes it does, your eminence, but when are you going to complete that luxury hotel deal with Vlad so I can quit worrying about these cover ups?

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Political Satire: Mitch McConnell loves Obamcare

Elaine Chou had just been approved as Donald Trump's Transportation Secretary and her husband, Mitch McConnell was elated; along with a GOP Congress and a new figurehead in the White House he was sure he could control. Yes, Donald John was elected to the office but McConnell knew he was the real savior of the Republican Party now. He had never had this kind of power, and was just glad that he had found his source of long term stamina in the last few years to keep him going. It was the only way he had had the drive to fight against Barack Obama's second term. Damn those blacks.

McConnell grabbed his bottle of Mexican vitamins and took two; the dosage was six a day. God forbid anything happen to the doctor in Mexico City who supplied him. Heading back to the Senate chamber, his cell phone rang and it was doctor Gonzales who was excited, exclaiming that he wouldn't be able to supply the Senator any longer with his precious supplement.

"What do you mean? I pay you a fortune for the capsules. Do you need more money? I can always call the Koch brothers for a loan."

"No, no, something called Obamacare. Federales just raided my shop and took everything. I am ruined and all because of you."

"What did I do," he was desperate now.

"The Mexican President is a good friend of Barack Obama and when he found out what I was doing, he had me raided."

McConnell knew he would waste away and be unable to fulfill his duties of Majority Leader without his beloved Mexican vitamins. Even his wife didn't know. "Just sit tight. I'll take of this."

As he strode onto the Senate floor, he approached the podium and called for order. "Ladies and gentlemen of the Senate." Only a handful were there, all Democrats. "After a long discussion with my staff, I have decided that this body will vote to continue Obamacare, and I would heartily recommend to Speaker Ryan that the House do the same." Obamacare was kept by both houses.

That night he heard the sound of a text on his phone and when he checked, former President Obama said, "Now we're even. Any more of your crap and I'll tell Elaine."

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Political Satire: Trump and Putin start World War III on Twitter

It was 2 AM at the White house but the new U.S. sovereign was still awake with smart phone in hand tuned to Twitter. Melania had finally decided to move to the Lincoln bedroom to get some sleep. But Donald Trump had decided to challenge Vladimir Putin to a game of 'World Leader Psychopaths,' where you challenge each other to see who can be the biggest nutcase leading a country. The two had been playing this for years and Putin agreed that if Donald John ever won a game (he hadn't)) he could build as many luxury hotels in Moscow as he wanted. 

It was 10 AM in Russia's capital city and Vlad was busy in his office admiring the Putin coffee mug he was drinking from as his smartphone rang on Twitter. "Hello Big D," it was obvious who it was. "How's it hangin'?" He often wondered how Donald John had time to stay on Twitter all night when he had such a gorgeous wife.

"Okay, Vlad, it's time for our regular game of World Leader Psychopaths and tonight I'm going to beat your ass."

"First of all, it's not night here, and second, I'm tired of playing games with you."

"What the hell do you mean? This is a tradition and we have to play. Nobody else here will play games with me."

"I'm bored with the game and since you've lost every time so far, it's pretty obvious you are the world's leading psychopathic leader."

"What the hell, you're calling me a psychopath?"

"Why not, that's what all of your countrymen call you."

And then the Twitter line went silent and stayed that way for several minutes. All of a sudden Vlad cried out, "Holy shit," and went racing down the hall of the Kremlin with the phone in his hand, still on Twitter. As he entered the special security room and headed for the launch console, he heard an alert from Twitter.

"Too late, Vlad, I already hit the button."

Political Satire: Legal Godfather gives his blessings

Jeff Sessions

Jeff Sessions had just been confirmed as Attorney General of the United States under the new American Sultan Donald Trump. He was about to take his place at the conference table in his new office at Justice. But first he went to the medicine cabinet in his private bathroom and took out two cotton balls and stuffed one in each side of his mouth. Then he went back to the conference table where several of his new deputies were assembled. Sessions sat down and said, "We'll make those Muslims an offer they can't refuse." Everyone raised their hands in triumph and waited for the next great utterance. That is, all but one.

It was a black woman left over from the Obama administration. She was in Alabama when the Ku Klux Klan slit the throat of a black man and hung him from a tree. She questioned Sessions about how he felt about this. Sessions said, 'I thought the KKK was OK until I found out they smoked pot.' Soon after he became attorney general of Alabama. But now the other deputies were crowded around the new AG, kissing his hand and sucking up hoping to become his consigliere.

The black woman, still in her chair, asked Sessions one more question, "Doesn't what the KKK did bother you?"

To which the great new legal head replied, "Forgive. Forget. Life is full of misfortunes." With that he stood up, took the two cotton balls from his mouth, and threw them on the table for his deputy minions to fight over.

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Political Satire: a bullet in the head means a gun in the air

Arizona, the state of no gun laws, where all it takes to buy a firearm is a warm body, decided it wanted more non-protection than nothing. State Rep., Bubba Tony Rivero, told the House Judiciary and Public Safety Committee, "Accidents are an unfortunate fact of life." Referring to the death of

Wayne LaPierre

Shannon Smith, fourteen years old, shot in the head by a gun nut who fired his or her weapon in the air half a mile away. Tough luck, kid. Shit happens in a state where guns are valued over the life of children. And your grieving parents should know that and support my new bill, says Rivero, to let killers like the one that killed your daughter go free by simply saying, 'It was an accident." That's if they are even caught.

Rivero, satisfied now that his new law, once in place, would protect his gun hugger friends and hopefully not kill more than a couple hundred kids, strode to his car in the parking lot. As he got behind the wheel, his cell phone rang and it was Wayne LaPierre, head of the National Rifle Assn. "Hey Tony, good job. My big gun guys like it when we dismantle the gun laws. But, I have another assignment for you. We need a law protecting gun loving husbands in Arizona who shoot their wives or girlfriends. You know, more of that accident stuff. Keep me posted."

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Political Satire: The adventures of Debbie Wasserman Schultz

Debbie Wasserman Schultz was sitting in her Sunrise, Florida, office thinking about how she could revive her political career by switching to the Republican Party and becoming Donald Trump's Secretary of Holocaust Education. At least it would be a Cabinet post after she was deprived of her DNC chair. That brought back memories of how she had led her staff through the arduous task of disparaging Bernie Sanders with emails and word of mouth so Hillary Clinton would win the Primary. She did but was beaten by Donald Trump in the 2016 Election. Then she got caught.

Wasserman Schultz couldn't understand why the Democrats were so pissed. During her tenure as the DNC Chairman, they had lost only 10.2% of the Senate, 19.3% of the House, 20.3% of State Legislatures and 35.7% of Governors' offices. But, it might've been worse. Hell, Joni Ernst could have been elected President. Hey, if I had switched Parties, she might have chosen me for Vice President, she thought. And then looking at a mirror she took from her purse, she said to herself, 'Maybe it's my hair.' Then the phone rang and she had to pick it up since everyone else was gone.

"Hello"

On the other end, "I want my campaign data back."

To which she replied, "C'mon, Bernie, you know I can't do that. Besides, Hillary still has it...whoops!"

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Political Satire: Political scientists make startling discovery

Forerunner to Donald Trump

The earliest known politician has now been acknowledged to have had a gigantic cavity used for eating and excreting. Through all the years, and with all the evolution of the art of politics, this creature's huge opening began to spew a regular progression of invectives designed to out-dumb its opponent and win the competition at hand. The typical politician was born. Political scientists studied this critter for years, trying to attach their findings to a living human being. And then came the election of 2016, and Donald John Trump was elected President of the United States. The amoeba will never be the same.

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