Political Satire: Legal Godfather gives his blessings

Jeff Sessions

Jeff Sessions had just been confirmed as Attorney General of the United States under the new American Sultan Donald Trump. He was about to take his place at the conference table in his new office at Justice. But first he went to the medicine cabinet in his private bathroom and took out two cotton balls and stuffed one in each side of his mouth. Then he went back to the conference table where several of his new deputies were assembled. Sessions sat down and said, "We'll make those Muslims an offer they can't refuse." Everyone raised their hands in triumph and waited for the next great utterance. That is, all but one.

It was a black woman left over from the Obama administration. She was in Alabama when the Ku Klux Klan slit the throat of a black man and hung him from a tree. She questioned Sessions about how he felt about this. Sessions said, 'I thought the KKK was OK until I found out they smoked pot.' Soon after he became attorney general of Alabama. But now the other deputies were crowded around the new AG, kissing his hand and sucking up hoping to become his consigliere.

The black woman, still in her chair, asked Sessions one more question, "Doesn't what the KKK did bother you?"

To which the great new legal head replied, "Forgive. Forget. Life is full of misfortunes." With that he stood up, took the two cotton balls from his mouth, and threw them on the table for his deputy minions to fight over.

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Political Satire: a bullet in the head means a gun in the air

Arizona, the state of no gun laws, where all it takes to buy a firearm is a warm body, decided it wanted more non-protection than nothing. State Rep., Bubba Tony Rivero, told the House Judiciary and Public Safety Committee, "Accidents are an unfortunate fact of life." Referring to the death of

Wayne LaPierre

Shannon Smith, fourteen years old, shot in the head by a gun nut who fired his or her weapon in the air half a mile away. Tough luck, kid. Shit happens in a state where guns are valued over the life of children. And your grieving parents should know that and support my new bill, says Rivero, to let killers like the one that killed your daughter go free by simply saying, 'It was an accident." That's if they are even caught.

Rivero, satisfied now that his new law, once in place, would protect his gun hugger friends and hopefully not kill more than a couple hundred kids, strode to his car in the parking lot. As he got behind the wheel, his cell phone rang and it was Wayne LaPierre, head of the National Rifle Assn. "Hey Tony, good job. My big gun guys like it when we dismantle the gun laws. But, I have another assignment for you. We need a law protecting gun loving husbands in Arizona who shoot their wives or girlfriends. You know, more of that accident stuff. Keep me posted."

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Political Satire: The adventures of Debbie Wasserman Schultz

Debbie Wasserman Schultz was sitting in her Sunrise, Florida, office thinking about how she could revive her political career by switching to the Republican Party and becoming Donald Trump's Secretary of Holocaust Education. At least it would be a Cabinet post after she was deprived of her DNC chair. That brought back memories of how she had led her staff through the arduous task of disparaging Bernie Sanders with emails and word of mouth so Hillary Clinton would win the Primary. She did but was beaten by Donald Trump in the 2016 Election. Then she got caught.

Wasserman Schultz couldn't understand why the Democrats were so pissed. During her tenure as the DNC Chairman, they had lost only 10.2% of the Senate, 19.3% of the House, 20.3% of State Legislatures and 35.7% of Governors' offices. But, it might've been worse. Hell, Joni Ernst could have been elected President. Hey, if I had switched Parties, she might have chosen me for Vice President, she thought. And then looking at a mirror she took from her purse, she said to herself, 'Maybe it's my hair.' Then the phone rang and she had to pick it up since everyone else was gone.

"Hello"

On the other end, "I want my campaign data back."

To which she replied, "C'mon, Bernie, you know I can't do that. Besides, Hillary still has it...whoops!"

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Political Satire: Political scientists make startling discovery

Forerunner to Donald Trump

The earliest known politician has now been acknowledged to have had a gigantic cavity used for eating and excreting. Through all the years, and with all the evolution of the art of politics, this creature's huge opening began to spew a regular progression of invectives designed to out-dumb its opponent and win the competition at hand. The typical politician was born. Political scientists studied this critter for years, trying to attach their findings to a living human being. And then came the election of 2016, and Donald John Trump was elected President of the United States. The amoeba will never be the same.

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Political Satire: Charles Koch sneaks into White House and...

The Koch brothers laughing at us poor 99% schmucks

Charles Koch of the lurid team of Donald and Charles Koch refused to endorse Donald Trump for the 2016 election, instead, using the dark money underground to funnel money into the Republican presidency. It worked, but when the Kochs expected the admiration of the newly elected U.S. overlord, its majesty snubbed them simply because they had announced publicly earlier they didn't particularly cotton to Donald John.

So old Charley of the Koch pipeline that exploded and burned two teenagers alive, decided to sneak in to the White House one evening and mess up Donald John's hair. He could do that because of the $400 million he has committed for election 2018. But once inside, Bill Clinton, who had a secret door to a hidden room, popped out and tackled Charlie, thinking he was Trump. Melania rushed from the Lincoln bedroom to thank Bill with hugs and kisses in her Frederick's of Hollywood crotchless nightie. Donald John looked on from the door of the WH master bedroom and commented, “Hey, Bill, when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything,” which immediately brought back memories of his Oval Office.

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Political Satire: World airports shut down-Economy plummets

The Dow Jones average lost 18,800 points today, closing at only 64. The German, Chinese and Japanese exchanges also dived precipitously. All of them blame this on the fact that Donald Trump has done them the honor of shutting down airports around the world by temporarily banning entry into the United States for citizens of seven Muslim-majority countries and refugees from around the world. It is unclear why only these seven countries when Turkey clearly has had terrorist incidents directed against the U.S. Oh, hell, forgot, Donald John has hotel interests there. When questioned about this move, the newly elected czar blamed it on Hillary Clinton's foundation and Bill's recent trip to Little Rock, Arkansas.

Political Satire:Trump revives modified "The Apprentice"

We now have a clone to Donald Trump's "The Apprentice" show with a new cast of characters...government employees. The candidates are selected based on their refusal to agree with the newly elected emperor. The first victim is acting Attorney General, Sally Yates. She dared to question the legality of Donald John's closing of the nation's borders to refugees  and people from predominantly Muslim countries. A federal judge has already blocked the order last week. Other government workers are standing in line to receive this same honor.

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